


and warred with yourself

by theafterimages



Series: frat au [3]
Category: VIXX
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 12:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3649671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theafterimages/pseuds/theafterimages
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hongbin faces some truths about himself and discovers he’s not as alone as he’d thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and warred with yourself

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [here](http://eveninadream.livejournal.com/11522.html#cutid3). Set during the fall of 2009.

When Sangmi asks Hongbin if he’ll be her date for Homecoming, he’s more relieved than anything. It’ll be easier to turn girls down if he has a date. And it’s _Sangmi_. She’s always been someone he can talk to easily—or easily for him, anyway. And she’s funny, and smart, and beautiful. Hongbin’s only ever seen her as a friend, but maybe things will be different enough during Homecoming… 

When the day comes Hongbin is ready in plenty of time, finally forcing himself away from the mirror after triple-checking every aspect of his appearance. 

“See, you look so much nicer now that you cut your hair,” his mother tells him, adjusting his tie for him. It’s green, the closest shade he could find to the dress pictures Sangmi had shown him, and he hopes yet again that it will match closely enough.

Hongbin smiles a little. His hair had gotten long, and while he hadn’t cared either way his mother has always been insistent about her preference for it being short, and it’s easier to just let her have her way. “Thanks.”

His mother takes a few pictures of him with his sisters, who had both decided they wanted to come by the house to fuss over him. 

They end up being the ones who drop him off at Sangmi’s house. “Who’s driving you to the dance?” Subin asks a few minutes into the trip, and Hongbin sits forward in his seat so that they can be closer as they talk. He’s been relegated to the back seat during sibling car rides for so long now that it might as well have his name engraved on it. “Did you rent a limo?”

“Sangmi’s driving us.”

“Lucky you, dating an older woman,” Yubin teases.

“We’re not dating,” Hongbin says uncomfortably. “We’re going as friends.”

“For now,” Yubin says, and both his sisters giggle while Hongbin sits back again and tries to look amused rather than guilty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sangmi’s still getting ready when Hongbin arrives, so at Mrs. Han’s behest Hongbin goes into the living room to wait. Sangmi’s brother, Sanghyuk is on the sofa, focused on his handheld game though he does spare a moment to greet Hongbin. 

“What are you playing?” Hongbin asks, figuring that just sitting in silence would be too awkward.

“The new Pokémon.”

“Oh. Cool.” After a beat, Hongbin sits down on the other end of the couch, pressing his hands together. They’re sweaty—he grimaces and rubs them surreptitiously on his pants.

Hongbin’s been friends with Sangmi for about a year, and she’d introduced him to Sanghyuk on the first day of school this year. Hongbin knows Sangmi wants them to be friends, too, and he and Sanghyuk have had a handful of conversations, but they’re not particularly close. Still, he figures he should keep trying, if only for Sangmi’s sake. “You’re not going to Homecoming?” Hongbin asks now.

Sanghyuk shrugs a shoulder, not looking up from his DS. “Nah. Nobody to go with.”

“Nobody you like or anything?”

A brief smile crosses Sanghyuk’s face. “I’m pretty sure I’m the only gay kid in school, so…”

Hongbin full-body startles. “I, uh. I didn’t know—I’m sorry-”

Now Sanghyuk looks up. “Most people don’t. I don’t really talk about it.”

“I won’t say anything!”

“It’s not a big secret. There’s just not much point. If anyone else is gay, they’re not going to come out _here_.” Sanghyuk shrugs. “But, I mean, we’re like the only Korean kids here. I’m already different no matter what, right?”

He goes back to concentrating on his game, and Hongbin just watches him. He just doesn’t understand how Sanghyuk can say it so easily—any of it. Just the _thought_ of saying something like that to someone has him feeling nauseous… but no, there’s no point in thinking about it, because that will never have to happen. He just hasn’t met the right girl yet, or seen anyone who’s his type on TV, or anything like that. That’s all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Sangmi finally comes downstairs, Hongbin knows he should be staring at her in awe and thinking about how seeing her like this is more than worth the wait. And she looks beautiful, of course, her hair styled in an elegant updo and her long, deep green dress perfect for her figure. Hongbin wishes he could appreciate it on more than an artistic level, and tries his best to, but—nothing. There’s nothing.

“You look really nice!” he says quickly, hoping she hasn’t noticed anything amiss.

“So do you.” She gives him a quick hug, long enough for him to notice the delicate scent of her perfume. 

Most guys would love this. Hongbin had definitely gotten a few comments at school from other guys about how lucky he was to be going with Sangmi. What’s _wrong_ with him that he can’t appreciate it? 

He forces a smile. “Oh, here,” he says quickly, holding out the corsage. “Should I-”

“Yeah, here-“

Picking out the corsage had been easy, but to his complete lack of surprise, pinning it on her dress is anything but, his hands fumbling several times before he succeeds. Just one more awkward moment in his life.

“It’s beautiful, Hongbin,” Sangmi assures him once it’s finally in place.

“Are you sure? There was another one I could have gotten instead, I wasn’t sure-“

“No, this one’s perfect,” she says firmly. “Thank you.”

Sangmi’s mom takes a lot of pictures of the two of them (“If pictures really do take someone’s soul then you guys are screwed,” Sanghyuk notes when he briefly wanders in to observe the proceedings) and that’s before the rest of Sangmi’s friends show up. 

“We all decided I have the nicest yard,” Sangmi explains to Hongbin as the group heads out to the backyard. Between her mom’s flower garden, the shrubbery and trees in full bloom for spring, and the koi pond, he believes it. He can’t help looking around during every break between pictures, thinking about all the photographs he could take here.

Hongbin wants to ask Mrs. Han if he can look at the Homecoming pictures afterwards, but he doesn’t quite dare. He must have been looking at the camera too many times between shots or something, though, since before they leave she pats him on the shoulder and assures him she’ll have Sangmi get his copies to him as soon as possible.

Once the photography session is over they go right out to their cars, and Hongbin hurries to open Sangmi’s truck door for her, holding her hand as she carefully climbs up to her seat. “Such a gentleman,” she says, smiling.

Is she flirting? He can’t tell. She doesn’t usually—or at least, he doesn’t think she does—but today’s been different, somehow. Flustered, he blurts out, “Well, I mean, you’re driving. This is probably the least I can do.”

“Do you wish we’d all rented the limo?”

“No, I like your truck,” he says quickly. Not only that, but being shoved into a limo with eight other people isn’t Hongbin’s idea of a good time.

“Me, too,” Sangmi says fondly, patting the steering wheel.

After dinner at the local Applebee’s—the nicest restaurant Bakerton has to offer—with a group of Sangmi’s friends, they drive over to their high school. 

While Hongbin’s expectations hadn’t been high, as he enters the gymnasium he has to admit that the Homecoming committee did a good job with their Moonlight Serenade theme. The decorations are dark blue and silver, the tables scattered throughout one side of the gym containing centerpieces of white flowers and silver star-tipped cardboard wands, and more stars hang from the ceiling. 

More of Sangmi’s friends drift in and out of the group as the night goes on. Sangmi is the center of attention, but Hongbin hangs back unless Sangmi drags him into the action, for conversation or to make him dance. A lot of embarrassed laughter results during faster songs, but slow songs turn out to be nice.

During one of the slow dances he finds himself wondering what it would be like to go to Homecoming with a real date, someone he—but he shoves that aside, refusing to even _think_ the worst lest someone be able to tell.

“You okay?” Sangmi asks, and Hongbin startles.

“Fine,” he says quickly. “I’m fine.” She gives him a knowing look, and he gulps and keeps talking. “Tonight’s nice! Don’t you think so?”

“Yeah,” she says at last. “I’m glad you do, too.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sangmi’s having too much fun to leave early, so even though Hongbin wonders what traffic will be like getting out of the parking lot, he doesn’t say anything.

Sure enough, when the dance is over they end up sitting in a long line of cars. “Sorry,” Sangmi says wryly. “We probably should have left sooner.”

“No, it’s okay,” Hongbin says quickly. “It’s your senior year. You should enjoy—everything.”

She reaches across the seat and squeezes his hand, holding on just a beat too long before letting go. Hongbin notices and wonders again. “Speaking of enjoying things, if you don’t want to go to the party I can drop you off,” Sangmi offers.

Truth be told, Hongbin is really nervous about the party. He’s never gone to any of the others that Sangmi has invited him to, since he’s always sure he won’t know most of the people there and he doubts his alcohol tolerance is any good. But if he goes home now…. then what? Somehow this feels like something he has to do. He has to see the night through. “No, I want to go,” he insists. “It’ll be fun.”

She laughs. “I didn’t take you for the party type.”

“Maybe I am today,” he says, and she angles a smile at him, reaching over and taking his hand.

 

 

 

 

 

 

One of Sangmi’s classmates live in one of the biggest houses in town and has a frequently absent father, so no one had been surprised when word got around that she was hosting the after party.

Hongbin follows Sangmi through the house as she greets everyone. There’s country music blaring so loudly that Hongbin ends up frequently wincing as the volume overloads the speakers, and the makeshift bar is easily in view as they enter the kitchen, loaded with all the alcohol everyone could steal from their parents or buy from the stores that don't bother to card.

Sangmi picks up a bottle of Smirnoff’s. “None for you?” she asks him.

“No.” Hongbin shakes his head quickly. “No thanks. I don’t really-”

“It’s okay. More for me.” She must see something in his face because she laughs and squeezes his hand. “Not too much. I’ll be able to drive, I promise.”

“Okay.”

“Good, come on.”

“Where are we going?” he asks, though he lets her pull him along.

“Somewhere you can get away from the music,” she teases, tossing him an arch glance over her shoulder. “You need to relax, Hongbin.”

“I don’t know how,” he says with a laugh that’s supposed to be self-deprecating but mostly sounds nervous.

“Don’t worry, I’ll help you,” she says, and he tries and utterly fails not to think about just what that might mean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sangmi kicks off her heels as soon as the door closes behind them and takes a long drink from the bottle. “Is it weird that I keep thinking about how glad I am that no one else bought the same dress as me?” she asks.

Hongbin smiles, almost forgetting about the bed’s looming presence on the other side of the room. “You would’ve looked better in it than anyone that did,” he says, both out of loyalty and because it’s true.

She smiles and takes his hand. “You’re so nice, Binnie,” she says fondly. “Come on, let’s sit down. My feet are killing me.”

“Why do girls wear heels?” he wonders aloud as he obeys.

She laughs as she sets the bottle down on the end table. “Well, some of us have tall dates.”

“I didn’t get my growth spurt on purpose,” he protests.

“ _Hongbin_.” She laughs even harder, wrapping her arms around him. Hongbin is wary, but he’s hugged her a thousand times since that day she’d taken him under her wing last year, so it’s easy to go along with her now.

Not so much when she looks up, her gaze softening as she strokes his cheek with one impeccably manicured hand. And then she leans in, her eyes closing even as he stares, wide-eyed, and she kisses him.

Hongbin’s first kiss, unless you count a boy in elementary school—which Hongbin doesn’t, and given that he saw that boy tonight at Homecoming with his longtime girlfriend Hongbin is sure that he doesn’t, either. Not that he should even be thinking about this when _Sangmi_ is there. 

“Here.” Sangmi’s fingers nimbly undo the buttons of his suit jacket and she pushes it off his shoulders. He’d loosened his tie on the way to the party, so it’s only a few seconds before she has that undone and off, too. “More comfortable, right?” Not really, not with his heart hammering in his ears, but he nods anyway, and she kisses him again, more fervently this time.

Hongbin can barely keep up, and that’s before she reaches for his hands, pulling them higher up her body. “Touch me, Hongbin,” she whispers between kisses. “I want—you should-”

But he _doesn’t_ want this, Hongbin realizes in a moment of sudden clarity, and he never has, and he never will. He’s going to have to marry a nice Korean girl his parents approve of, and he’ll spend the wedding trying not to look at the handsome male guests and wishing-

He jerks back. “I’m going to be sick,” he croaks and staggers to the bathroom, barely making it in time.

Sangmi crouches down next to him a few moments later, patting his sweat-damp brow with a few squares of toilet paper. “And you didn’t even drink anything,” she teases gently as he takes deep gulps of air. “You okay?”

To his horror, he feels tears pricking at his eyes. How is he always so good at making things _worse_? “Sorry,” he whispers.

“It’s not your fault,” she says, and he’s too drained to correct her. “Do you want to go out to the truck? Will fresh air help?”

He’s not sure if he’s up to walking, honestly, but he needs to breathe, and he can’t be in this room anymore, not when… 

When he finally nods she helps him up. He hangs back in the bathroom an extra minute to rinse his mouth out, splashing some cold water on his pale face for good measure. She’s waiting by the bedroom door when he rejoins her, wearing his suit jacket, and accompanies him outside without a word. 

They both leave their truck doors open, although Hongbin looks at Sangmi’s with concern. “Are you cold?”

“No, I have your jacket,” she reminds him. “Is the air helping?”

“Yeah.”

“Good.” She gives his shoulder a quick rub, her tone lighter when she speaks again. “Guys have done a lot of things because of me, but I don’t think I’ve ever made anyone puke before.”

“It’s not you,” he says quickly. “It’s me.” There’s a stunned silence, and then Sangmi bursts out laughing. “No, no, that’s not what I-”

“It’s okay, Hongbin,” she tells him. “We’re okay.” She smiles at him, warm and bright, and he wishes so much that he could want her back, like he’s supposed to.

He sighs, slumping forward and resting his head in his hands, and she rubs her hand in reassuring circles between his shoulder blades. “I’m sorry. It’s not—it wasn’t because you kissed me. It’s just… I’m…” He swallows hard, feeling nauseous all over again.

“Hongbin, you don’t have to-”

He doesn’t have to, he knows that, but he’s been choking down the words all night—his whole life, really—and he’s tired of it. “I’m gay,” he blurts out.

Sangmi goes very still, her eyes fixed on him. Hongbin stares back, a little stunned that he’d even gotten it out at all.

Then, abruptly, she relaxes. “That explains some things.”

“You’re-” His voice comes out as a stammering croak. Flustered, he clears his throat and tries again. “You’re not mad?”

“Why would I be _mad_? When my own-” She cuts off, shaking her head. “I’m sorry. I mean, I’m not mad at you for who you are. I can’t be.”

“It’s not what I—I don’t want to be.”

She squeezes his shoulder and he swallows, hard, turning his face away quickly so she won’t see the tears that have started to slip down his cheeks. “Does anyone else know?” she asks gently, and he shakes his head.

“I’ve never… I’ve never said it out loud before,” he admits. “I’ve been hoping it’ll just… go away.”

“But not anymore?” she murmurs, and he shakes his head again, choking on a sob.

“After what your brother—he told me, and it made me think—and just being at the dance—I don’t think I can change it. I think—I’m just me, I’m just— _stuck_ -” He has to stop there, sobbing too hard to talk, and Sangmi immediately pulls him into her arms and just holds him and lets him cry it out.

“Do you want me to take you home?” she asks gently when he finally quiets down and pulls away from her.

“Yeah.” He wipes his eyes. “Do you have-”

“Napkins are in the glove compartment.”

Hongbin swallows, wincing at how sore his throat feels. “I’m sorry, Sangmi.”

Her expression softens and she kisses his forehead. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I mean it.”

“I should’ve told you before Homecoming, it wasn’t fair-”

“No, hey. We came as friends, remember? We _are_ friends.”

Hongbin nods, cracking what might be his first real smile of the night. “I’m really glad.”

“Me, too,” she tells him, and it means everything to him that for once, he can hear something like that without wondering if the person saying it will still mean it when they find out who he really is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Sangmi parks the truck in his driveway, she touches his wrist before he can get out. “I know I’ll never understand, not completely,” she says, “but I can listen if you ever need to talk, okay? About anything. And there’s Hyukkie—I won’t tell him, or anyone, but if you did he’d keep your secret. And he’d get it. I think it would be good for both of you. Whenever you’re ready.”

Hongbin nods slowly. “I’ll think about it.” He remembers how Sanghyuk had told him so matter-of-factly, like it was simple. Water is wet, the Pope is Catholic, and Sanghyuk is gay. _Hongbin_ is gay. He tries to imagine ever being so at ease with this part of himself, or any part of him, but he just can’t. 

“I’m here for you any time you need me. I mean it, okay?” She waits until he nods and then gives him another quick hug before he gets out of the truck. 

As he unlocks the front door, he looks back and watches Sangmi drive away, waving a little. Somehow even just the fact that she waited for him to go inside before leaving has him swallowing back the lump in his throat.

All Hongbin wants is to get out of his suit, take a hot shower until he feels like he’s washed the whole night off, and go to bed for some hours of hopefully dreamless sleep. Unfortunately for him, his father is still awake, sitting in his armchair with a book that he probably set down as soon as he heard Hongbin’s key in the door.

“How was it?”

“Fun,” Hongbin says. It’s not _completely_ a lie. “I’m—I’m late, I know, I’m sorry-”

“It’s fine,” he says, and Hongbin is immediately suspicious. “Sangmi is a nice girl. Nice family.”

And there it is. Hongbin sighs. “She’s a good friend.”

“Maybe for now,” his father says knowingly, “but who knows about the future?”

Hongbin does, for one, but he forces a smile. “Yeah,” he says, and tries not to think about what that future holds.


End file.
